Feminine Problems
by Mercuria
Summary: A somewhat skewed parody of mpreg. Arwen is pregnant with Eowyn's child. Can the two lovers keep their husbands from finding out?


Mercuria: Today, friends, I bring to you the first fanfic that I know of written in a new and innovative genre ...  
  
... fempreg.  
  
Right now, you may be saying, "Um, Merc, when did you last take a biology course?" Because obviously, women can and do get pregnant. HOWEVER, this genre of fanfiction that I am introducing is new and innovative because it features ... a woman who manages to impregnate another woman. This story came into existence thanks to an OFUM mailing list thread about how the idea of mpreg has left femslash unaffected. So, without further ado, I bring you ... Feminine Problems. Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. I do not own Lord of the Rings. I do NOT own Lord of the Rings. My deepest apologies to the ladies Arwen and Eowyn.   
  
************  
  
Eowyn wrapped her arms around her lover, Arwen, surreptitiously copping a feel.   
  
"Eowyn, my love?" Arwen murmured.  
  
"Yes, Arwen, my love?"  
  
"You DO love me, do you not?"  
  
"Why, of course, Arwen. I love you very much!"  
  
Arwen paused. When she spoke, she appeared to be choosing her words very carefully.  
  
"So ... even if something ... shameful ... were to happen to me, you would remain with me and defend me against the harsh judgment of the world?"  
  
Eowyn blinked. It seemed like a rather odd question.  
  
"Um, of course, my love!" she replied finally.  
  
Arwen nodded, took a deep breath, and said:  
  
"I am (whisper)(whisper) ..."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Arwen turned around in Eowyn's arms and gazed nervously into her lover's eyes.  
  
"Eowyn ... I am with child."  
  
Eowyn paused to consider this. It saddened her to be reminded once again that there were some things that only Aragorn could give her beautiful Elf, but she did not begrudge Arwen a child.  
  
"It is YOUR child, Eowyn."  
  
Oh. That made things different. Eowyn let go of Arwen and took several dizzy steps to the wall. Thoughts stampeded through her head like wild horses, the most frequently occurring of which was, "How is this POSSIBLE? Biologically?"  
  
Arwen approached Eowyn and placed a hand on her shoulder.   
  
"Arwen ..." Eowyn groaned, looking stricken. "How is it POSSIBLE?'  
  
The Elf rolled her eyes.  
  
"Personally, I am more worried about what we shall tell Aragorn."  
  
"Tell him it is his child!"  
  
"Eowyn, love, Aragorn may not be the wisest of scholars, but he most certainly has a fundamental understanding of mathematics."  
  
Eowyn sighed, and began to pace. Pacing helped her think. It was not as therapeutic as swinging her sword at things, but Arwen did not allow her to use her sword inside the castle.  
  
"Well ... it does not matter," she said finally. "Aragorn will not return for some time yet, and we can plan ways to keep it a secr-"  
  
A servant rushed into the room, panting. Arwen and Eowyn looked guilty for a second, then regained their composure.  
  
"Your majesty and ladyship, I have a message from King Elessar-"  
  
"Ah, wonderful!" Eowyn said, smiling broadly. "Because we were most definitely NOT plotting anything."  
  
Or at least ARWEN regained her composure. The said Arwen rolled her eyes at her lover and smiled winsomely at the slightly confused servant.  
  
"What news of my husband?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, yes! King Elessar returns from his military campaign on the morrow ..." Eowyn's jaw dropped and Arwen looked shocked, but the servant did not notice. He began to look uncomfortable, apparently troubled by his message. "But your majesty, there is-"  
  
"Very good, most cheering news!" Eowyn said quickly. "Now be gone! Her majesty and I have ... things ... to discuss."  
  
Puzzled, but ever obedient, the servant bowed and left. After he had gone, Arwen collapsed into a chair and tried to take deep breaths. Eowyn snarled and slammed a fist into the wall.   
  
"This is terrible," Arwen said, staring vacantly ahead. "Aragorn back by tomorrow?"  
  
"Arwen, love-"  
  
"He shall want to make love to me, and there will be a horrible awkward pause until I tell him that I am unable to do so for complex health reasons-"  
  
"Arwen, love-"  
  
"And he shall become very irritated, and spend the rest of the night on the far side of the bed, covertly pleasuring himself while muttering about Elven physiology-"  
  
"ARWEN, LOVE."  
  
Arwen snapped back to attention.  
  
"Yes, Eowyn?" she said.  
  
"There is no need to become agitated, Arwen," Eowyn said, beginning to smile a little. "Do you not see how fortunate we are?"  
  
Arwen made a face.  
  
"If this is an auspicious event, I do not wish to hear your idea of misfortune," she grimaced.  
  
"Hear me: Aragorn arrives tomorrow. Tomorrow night, you and he shall make passionate love-"  
  
"Eowyn!"  
  
"And some days after, you will reveal to him that you are pregnant ... with HIS child!"  
  
Arwen's eyes lit up.  
  
"Of course!" she cried. "Why did I not think of that? This is much better than anything we could have hoped for, then."  
  
Eowyn nodded, pulling Arwen to her feet.  
  
"It is indeed, my love. Now come, Arwen, we must prepare for tomorrow. Even a plan this simple can go awry in an instant ..."  
  
If only she knew how right she was.  
  
**********  
  
Mercuria: For those of you who think this is sick and creepy, I regret to inform you that the second chapter is almost completely accounted for. Would anyone like to give me some feedback on my writing style? I think it needs some work, but I can't quite figure out what to do. Oh, and I hope that you all review! 


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